I walked into the family room and was met by our attentive sentry. He stands guard in the foyer. I walked in at just the right moment. The sun was streaming through the front door windows and bathing him with light. He looked ready for the day. He looked eager. For years he has stood greeting each day with an expression of quizzical excitement. “What will this day hold?” he seems to say. His paws are open with an embrace.
For most of my life, the morning has meant a fresh start. I good night’s sleep was able to sweep away the bruises and the buffetings of yesterday. A dark mood was replaced by energetic light. In the last year and a half, I have awakened in a darker cloud. The heaviness of the world around me is waiting in the dark corners of my room. It hangs in my closet as I get ready for the day. It sits next to me in the truck as I drive to work. There lots of days that it is hard to shake. I sigh more than I used to.
I know I am discouraged, depressed and down. All the studies of pastoral health in the last couple of years point to the reality, that I am like most of my peers. I’m not unique. Our church is not unique. We have all been fighting the same battle and we are all a little shell shocked. These are not normal days.
The bear statue in our foyer has developed a huge crack. It can bee seen right between his two front feet. It penetrates deep into the wood. It threatens to split him in half. Not seen in this picture, is the crack in his front left cheek. Its as if you can see into his thoughts. I sit and look at him sometimes. I feel the cracking and the pain. He is trying to keep up a good front.
I’m not looking for simple platitudes or even a pat on the back. I’m not looking for someone to come and “make this better.” Rather, I’m imagining that there are others who feel the same way I do and they feel very alone.
I don’t feel alone. I have my family. Cindy and I lean on each other. COVID gave us lots of time together. It did us good. I also have a group of pastor friends. We have developed years worth of relationship and trust and I have shared my feelings with them. They text and support me often. What I can’t imagine is going through tough times without a group of committed friends to help.
It’s why we need Christian community. I need people who greet me each day and remind me of the power and love of God and the transient nature of this world. As it says in the book of Hebrews, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (Heb 10:24-25).