My heals rested on the edge of the surfboard. My arm extended and waited for the pull of the boat. I kept saying over and over in my head, “Roll up like someone is helping you stand up, wait for the boat to pull you up.” The water was peaceful on the early morning. It was beautiful on the lake.
The boat surged ahead, water gathered under the board and lifted it toward my feet, my toes gripped and I began to stand. At that moment, my left calf muscle seized. Pain shot through my leg. The thought that came into my head was, “No, not again.” I let go of the rope. I began to stretch my muscle trying to get it to release the knot. I rubbed it.
Several years ago, I had a similar muscle event. During the process, I tore the calf muscle which caused a blood clot in my leg that went to my lung and caused huge chaos in my life. The pain in my leg felt so similar. I tried several more times to get up on the surfboard, but each time when the pressure came to my leg the muscle reacted with disapproval. I gave up and swam to the boat.
Those moments of flashback, where pain from the past intrudes on the present, can be very disorienting. I do not want to go through that process again. I felt the panic rise up inside of me. I kept trying to push it down. It kept rising up.
Pain, suffering, and grief are rarely straight lines. Instead, they come at us like reflections on the water, first from one side, then another, followed by long periods of quiet. I have not had the leg panic in a long while, but there in the water, I was immediately transported back through time. I was lying in a hospital bed instead of floating in the water. I hate that it has power over me. I wish I could just get over it. It lead to several days of self-reflection. I was discouraged. I watched a slide show I made for my dad’s funeral. My body’s failure points out the inevitability of my body’s eventual collapse and decline.
It made me think of the scripture, “You who still the noise of the seas, The noise of their waves, And the tumult of the peoples” Psalm 65:7. The prayer I keep repeating is for God to calm the noise within me. My hunch is that others are hearing the noise of the chaos of the world around us and need to pray the same pray. “God, calm the tumult of the people.”