My dogs have been training me over the last four months. Before that, they were on their own during the day, but now I am available to meet their every need. Apparently their need is to be on the other side of the door. It does not matter which side they are on, the other side is what is interesting. So, I go to the door and I am constantly letting them in or out.
I do it for several reasons. Most importantly, if they need to visit the facilities, they are outside. I have this painful searing memory of childhood. I was with some neighbors. We had gone camping. On the way back home, I needed WC very badly. I don’t remember telling them or asking, I just remember needing to stop. I remember being very embarrassed. It was the first and only time I remember going with these people, I don’t even remember their names. The urgency index kept going up and up. I really needed to stop and then I couldn’t stop.
The way the car did not react lead me to believe that I was alone in the situation. No one else saw, heard or smelled anything. The car kept going and so did I. Relief was followed by shame and guilt. It felt like hours went by. The images moved outside of the car, but I was frozen inside the car. Still, no one said anything or even noticed me. I tried to become a reflection in the window, something you could look through and not even notice. Eventually the car ride ended. I don’t remember anything else but embarrassment.
When my dog goes to the back door, she turns and looks at me and the eyes I see looking back are 4 years old and they are mine. As many times as I try to ignore her, I just can’t do it. My four year old self keeps telling me to stop and open the door.
When the dogs are on the outside wanting in, they come to the windows in the back and stare like Superman using his X-ray vision. They lock on to our movement and will us to come to the door. Have there ever been moments when you were on the outside looking in? When you yearned for acceptance? In my High School if you were a guy and did not play football, you were invisible. I knew lots of the football players, but in the social context of Arlington High School being a player mattered. It took a long time to find a place to fit in. I did finally, in the drama department. It is where the social outcasts found community, acceptance and friendship.
Once established there, I could not wait to go through the doors to the drama room because on stage I could be anyone. I had a ton of friends. We had a blast wearing the old costumes. Lots of the old longing and loneliness finally faded away. That group of friends really helped redeem my life. When I see my dogs looking in the window, I see my 14 year old self looking through the social windows trying to find a home and I go to the door and let them in the house.
If you can make the wounds of life available to yourself and others, they can be the well of compassion that allows you to see hurt and pain and then be moved to action. For whom do you need to open a door?